Dear Professor,

I am a 19-year-old girl and I have been in a relationship with a guy named 'S' for three years. He had always been very kind and caring in the past and always said that he loved me a lot. He also wished to marry me and I, too, wanted to be his wife. We used to talk every day. Since last year, he has changed completely. He either ignores me or talks very harshly. He has even denied that he loved me. I used to apologise to him even when I wasn't wrong just to save the relationship. He keeps on coming up with baseless reasons for not talking to me, but I still love him so much that I cannot imagine my life without him. Is there anyway I can be with him again? Should I stop calling him so that he may realise my worth? Please help me out ... I am so confused!

Depressed Lover

Dear Depressed Lover,

You need to realise that although you are still sincere with him, 'S' is no longer interested in you. His rudeness clearly shows that he wants to break up with you, and I think that you should get the message. Yes, dear, I think you should stop all communication with him, because that is the only way you can save your self-respect. If he has not realised your worth in three years, don't expect him to do so now. You are only 19, and have your entire life before you. Don't throw it all on someone who doesn't deserve your love. A relationship that depends on apologising for things that are not your mistake all the time is beyond salvage. So, don't waste your time; instead, concentrate on your studies and have fun with your friends. You will forget him soon, girl. Just give yourself some time to get over him. In the meantime, try to keep yourself busy with constructive activities. Good luck!

Hello Nadine,

I am a 27-year-old, settled abroad. However, all my siblings and parents are in Pakistan. I have a great job, working in one of the top companies of the world. I got engaged to a girl in Pakistan during my last visit. It was a purely arranged match, although the girl is a family acquaintance. My family expressed their wish for me to get engaged there and I happily agreed. I had always wanted to marry as per my parents' choice, because I think they have the right to choose the right person for me.

Things started off slowly but steadily. We both developed feelings for each other. However, lately I have become extremely occupied with my job, primarily because I have been assigned a senior position and I want to prove that I am worth more. My fiancee has started feeling that I don't love her. I have tried to make her understand that such is not the case. Due to the time zone differences, I end up spending a good amount of my time at work talking to my fiancee. My work gets affected and I have to sit till late in the evenings and even sometimes on weekends to ensure that my work stays on track.

However, the message I get from her is that she doesn't value any of this. During our last argument, I told her that may be she should talk to her parents and not ruin her life by marrying me if she thinks so low of me. She has clearly told me several times that she expects nothing from me as she knows I will never be able to fulfil any of her wishes.

Nadine, I am a very practical and realistic person. Idealising how your love life would be in an Indian movie is good, but fulfilling it practically is almost impossible. I have several responsibilities of my family and I have always tried to be a good son to them. I am about to get married to this girl, however, I doubt that a girl who doesn't value my emotions and feelings would be able to keep me happy for the rest of my life. I really do have feelings for her but I have started hiding them now knowing the fact that they will be thrown back to my face. I am not sure what to do, who to talk to and who to ask advice from. I don't want to involve my family, as I don't want them to worry about anything. I'd be extremely grateful if you could help me out here.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It seems that it could be the difference in the time zone of the two countries that has created these misunderstandings between you and your fiancee. Therefore, before taking any drastic step, you should visit your fiancee in person and try to thrash out the issues. You state that you have feelings for her and just as you are hiding your feelings because you are frightened of being rebuffed, it is possible that the girl also feels the same way, and her defiance is her way of maintaining her self-esteem. Young girls can act pretty irrationally when they feel emotionally insecure. She probably doesn't realise that your new responsibilities are the reason you have not been able to devote your time to her. Plus, you are abroad and cannot meet her and remove her misunderstanding, which is adding to her apprehensions. So, without involving your family, try to meet her and address her insecurities. If, even after that she doesn't understand the pressure of work you have, and refuse to accept your explanation then it would be better to break the engagement before it can create more heartbreak. Best of luck!

Problems that need a solution?  You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

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