You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant. 
You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough.
If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.
I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.
You’re a habit I’d like to kick; with both feet!!
I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.
I’m looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven’t had it yet. You’ve never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.
At your speed, you’d better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.
If you ever tax your brain, don’t charge more than a penny.
Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you’ll find one.
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they’re your equals.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide!
Try to get some rest
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
“Yes?” 
“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “Do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”
“8:25!”
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by. To avoid them, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
“Sir, sir! It’s 8:45!”
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