Dear Nadine,

I am a 21-year-old girl, currently teaching in a private school. I was involved with a guy, D, for almost three years. He is my maternal cousin, who had come to stay with us from his village to pursue his education in Lahore about six years ago. D is about 25 years of age. He was a very intelligent and hard working student, but his family is not well off. My parents paid for his education and other living expenses. In the beginning, we even had to groom him but now you cannot tell him apart form any city born guy. I always had a soft corner for this less affluent relative, and often helped him financially, without letting my parents know. He told me one day that he loved me and wanted to marry me, but realised the disparity between the financial status of his family and mine. I knew even then that he was right and my father would not agree to this match, but I couldn't help myself, Nadine; I also fell in love with him. Some time back, he told me that if he went to do his masters from either the UK or Australia, he would stand a better chance of being accepted by my parents, but the problem was that his family did not have the money to make his wish come true. He told me that his father had promised to generate Rs12 lac, but he needed Rs eight lac more. I was so madly in love with him that I told him I would try to get him the amount. He refused initially by saying that he could not take money from me, but eventually accepted on the condition that he would return the money once he would settle. I thought I was doing a good deed and that the end would justify the means, so I stole the bonds and some gold from my mother's cupboard. D told me that he managed to get a little over Rs eight lacs by selling the gold and bonds. He went to Australia, promising me to return after completing his degree. I cannot tell you the anguish my family went through at the loss of the gold and bonds. They suspected the house maid and terminated her. I felt guilty, but thought that the maid would get another job in no time.

Last month, I learnt from a friend whose brother is also in Australia that my cousin D is doing well and has a good part-time job. He also disclosed that D has a girlfriend, too, and is living with her. I called D and asked him about it and he said that he would marry his Australian girlfriend, and settle there only. He asked me how he could marry a girl who had betrayed her own parents for a man. I was so angry that I threatened to expose him to his girlfriend. Nadine, he only laughed and said that it didn't matter! He also said that if I did anything stupid, he would tell my parents that I had stolen the gold and bonds. Nadine, what I did was for him, because I loved him so much. I helped him when no one else would, and this is how he pays me! I feel angry, depressed and humiliated. I want to get back at him for deceiving me so badly. I hate him now and realise he was not worth my love. What do you think I should do?

Betrayed Lover

Dear Betrayed Lover,

Helping a poor relative is a noble act, so I commend your kindness to your poor cousin from the village, because at that time you had no ulterior motive and whatever you did was out of the kindness of your heart. It is quite natural to develop feelings for someone you admire and with whom you are thrown together by circumstances, so I can understand why you wanted to help him, but your parents were already looking after his needs, so D should never have accepted your help. D was not in love with you; he was just using you. Any decent guy who loves a girl does not encourage her to cheat her parents, or commit a crime. You shouldn't have offered to get him money in the first place, and D must have known that you would steal from your parents, but did nothing to deter you. Did this not show you his true colours? So, you broke your parents' trust by stealing from them, and you even let them accuse the maid of theft! You assuaged your conscience by thinking that the maid would get another job, but what about the trauma she must have suffered when she was falsely accused of theft? My dear, don't you think you have come by your just deserts? D has some justification for thinking you would deceive him, for a girl who can betray her parents can certainly betray anyone else if she wants. You realised he was not worthy of your love only after he had jilted you? Instead of plotting revenge upon him, it's time you did some introspection. Admit to yourself that you made a mistake when you deceived your loving parents. You should gather courage and confess to your parents what you did. Or at least tell your mother. They will be angry with you, of course, but will ultimately forgive you. They will probably not be able to trust you for a long time. You really should forget this guy, apologise to your parents and pray that you get a good husband. Good luck!

Problems that need a solution?  You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com