I am a 20-year-old student and I need help soon. It is difficult for me to say it, and I have never confided into anyone before but now I feel it is impossible for me to keep everything bottled up. I am an engineering student, and I live in a hostel. I try to live a normal life, but the past keeps coming back to haunt me. As a child, I was abused sexually by a person who came to teach me the Quran. I was seven at that time. I have tried to get over this and continue with my life, but whenever I hear or read about child molestation, I feel I am seven again. Flashbacks of my own agony start haunting me and I lose control over myself. I also feel dirty and guilty as hell. Once, I even physically attacked a fellow classmate who was discussing child abuse in an unsavoury tone. I am becoming antisocial and feel miserable all the time. Please give me some advice. I cannot go on like this, as life has become so unbearable for me.

Miserable Victim

Dear Miserable Victim,

I can understand the agony that you are undergoing, for the impact of your abuse is not letting you heal. The main reason for this is that you have kept your feelings bottled up for such a long time! My dear, the first thing you need to understand is that you need not feel guilty or dirty at all. It should be the person who abused his holy station who should feel dirty! It is unfortunate that parents leave their children un-chaperoned with drivers, tutors and other such people. They are the ones who should feel guilty for neglecting their children and trusting them with other people. Anyway, by writing this letter you have taken the first step to recovery. If it is possible for you, get professional help, as it would help you more swiftly to re-adjust. Since you have not confided in your parents, I think I can take it that you have your reasons for not doing so, but you definitely need to get all this off your chest, and must get an appointment with a professional. It will help you get over your depression and you will stop feeling that life is unbearable. Just do it with courage and very soon you will be enjoying life like any other person of your age. Good luck!

Dear Nadine,

I am a 25-year-old girl and live in a hostel because of my work. I have a terrible problem, I know that getting involved with a married man is really not acceptable in any society, but it happens quite often. It’s sad but true. I am in love with a 41-year-old married man. I have been in relationship with him for almost a year now, and he has assured me that he would leave his wife, children and even his parents because he cannot live without me. His parents forced him to marry his cousin when he was just 28 years of age, and that’s why he has no compunction about leaving his parents, either. Leaving his wife will not be a problem because he never loved her. He says that his wife has even turned his children against him. Now he wants to marry me, but he needs some time because his boss is an uptight person who does not approve of men who carry out extra marital affairs. At present he cannot divorce his wife because it would create some financial issues for him. I am willing to wait, but he has become so desperate for our love to be fulfilled that he wants me to start living with him. In the beginning when he said this, I was shocked but he explained that we would not be committing any sin. He has almost convinced me to move in with him because he cannot bear to be away from me. I told him to reconsider because if his parents and wife find out about our relationship they would not believe in our innocence. He says he is sure, and is even willing to have a secret nikah with me and I also want a home of my own. I know that I can’t go home to my parents because they need the money that I send them. Do you think it will work out if we have a secret marriage? I am a poor village girl without any prospects and I don’t think I will get a better option. At the same time, I will be dubbed as a home breaker. Don’t I have the right to have a settled life?

A Girl in Dilemma

Dear Girl in Dilemma,

This is a classic example of a crafty middle-aged person trying to take advantage of an inexperienced girl. Though you are not very young, you are still not savvy enough to realise that this guy is lying through his teeth! My dear, do you honestly believe that a 28-year-old guy can be coerced into a marriage he doesn’t want? He has been married to his cousin for 13 years and has kids, but says that he never loved his wife and you believe him? He says he will leave his children and you take it with a pinch of salt! My dear girl, think rationally. A guy who is really so casually indifferent about his parents, wife and children cannot be trusted to be serious about you. How can he be sincere to you if he does not give two hoots about his parents, wife and children?

He says he cannot divorce his wife immediately because of financial concerns. Could it mean that his wife is the one with money? If yes, he will never find it convenient to divorce her. He just wants you physically, and the moment it happens he will dismiss you from his life. And, of course you will be a home breaker if you manage to create a breach between them, which I think is not possible for he is just playing with you!

In case you don’t believe it, insist upon a public nikah, at least. Otherwise, he will deny everything and you will end up losing your reputation.

My dear, you are only 25, and I am sure you will find someone single, nearer to your age and unattached. Don’t jump into this headlong. Give yourself time and go for a guy who will marry you in front of the whole world. Best of luck!

Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Note: If you feel you need someone to talk to when you are alone, to share a problem with, or just to get something that has upset or disturbed you off your chest, share it with us.  Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor)  I.I Chundrigar Road, Karachi.