I am a 22 year-old-guy. I used to be a good and intelligent boy and always stood first in my class. I don’t know what has happened to me. I am not that guy anymore. I have adopted bad ways. I watch bad movies. I tried my best to avoid watching such movies but all in vain. I just cannot get rid of this habit. I am so addicted to this habit that sometimes I forget to offer my prayers, although this never happened to me before. I was a brilliant student of the class but now I want to hide from my teachers like a dull student. I think I have developed inferiority complex. Why is this happening to me? I don’t know what to do, but I want to get rid of this bad habit. Please help me!

Zephyr Blue

Dear Nadine,

I am a 23-year-old engineering student in a well reputed university. I am facing a very serious and embarrassing problem, which I cannot discuss with anyone. I have always felt differently from other boys. Even as a teenager, I was never interested in girls. Now, for the past few years I have been living in hostel and I have come to realise that I am attracted towards other guys. I didn’t pay much heed to it before, but my parents have asked me to get engaged to my cousin right after graduation. If I marry her - or any other girl - I would just ruin her life. I want to be with someone like me but I cannot find a way to tell this to my parents. I know this is not acceptable in our society, but I don’t have a choice. I did not choose to be this way. What can I do to convince my family and lead a normal life without being looked at with contempt by other people?

Depressed Pisces

Dear Depressed Pisces,

You are in a difficult position all right, because it is not only society but also our religion, and other religions as well, that would find your situation unacceptable. I realise that you cannot be held responsible if you are biologically that way, but marrying someone to placate your parents would be a cruel and selfish thing to do. Telling your parents would probably devastate them, but you must give them a good reason for refusing to get engaged. I don’t know how tolerant your parents are. Would they accept you if you disclosed your problem to them? In Pakistan, you cannot live a normal life without eyebrows being raised, especially if you belong to the middle class. So, my advice would be to tell your parents very firmly that you would not marry that girl. You must give them a good reason that they cannot refuse, but on no account should you cave into their pressure and destroy the girl’s life. If you want to live the way you want, you should emigrate. Good luck!

Dear Zephyr Blue,

You are still a good boy and I am sure your intelligence is very much intact, or you wouldn’t have written this letter. At your age, most adolescents get curious about certain facts of life and hence these ‘bad’ movies come into play. But, as you have realised, these things can harm your future because you are no longer paying as much attention to your studies as you should and you have also started missing your prayers. Ignoring your studies at this crucial time in your academic career will set you back. The good thing is that with a little will power and determination you can make up for the lost time, because you are an intelligent boy. Make a determined effort by devoting more time to your studies, and whenever you feel the urge to watch movies, go out with friends. If possible, remove your computer or laptop from your room, and use it only in the presence of others. Don’t worry; you have realised without anyone’s help that you need to focus on your studies, so I am sure you would do it. Pray to God to give you strength to give up the things that are worrying you. Best of luck!

Salam Professor,

I am a 28-year-old boy. I got engaged to a girl I liked but the way our relationship was given a legal shape was like something impossible made possible. Anyhow, there is a problem. My family members and I are conservative, whereas my fiancee belongs to a pretty liberal family. Every time we talk on some issue, we end up fighting. Our way of thinking is totally different. I’ve tried to resolve this issue many a time, but no matter how much I try, we end up fighting - only because I value religion in every aspect of my life. Am I doing anything wrong? And, she knew everything about me and still wanted to get married to me. But now her attitude has changed a lot with me and she is happier in a liberal environment. I fear the worst, and we are to get married in a few months, inshaAllah. I don’t know how to tackle this problem, as it is getting in the way of my day to day work. I’ve tried to convince her with love and sometimes with harshness, but she doesn’t want to listen to me. I don’t know why some people change their behaviour when they get what they want. Please help me in this regard as a marriage is not a matter of days or months.

A Worried Boy

Dear Worried Boy,

You very aptly concluded your letter by pointing out that marriage is not meant merely for days or months - it is supposed to last one’s lifetime. So, while looking for a life partner, it is advisable to go for someone with a background similar to one’s own. Mental compatibility is extremely important, too. It seems both these things are lacking in your relationship, and you expect the girl to fall in line, and she probably wants the same. You state that behaviours change when one has what one wants. True. But that truth applies to both of you. You, too, knew the disparity between you and the girl, as did she. So, I am afraid the problem does not only lie with the girl alone; you both are culpable, and should work it out amicably before tying the knot. Otherwise, it will be one miserable marriage, where both partners will operate from moral high ground. Best of luck!

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