I am a 16-year-old girl and something is really confusing me nowadays. The thing is that I really don’t believe in relationships and love before marriage and I am still single, but since of late I have fallen for a guy. It matters to me when he talks to other girls and doesn’t talk or text me and stuff like that. The guy I am talking about was my classmate for almost three years and then we were only friends. The guy really likes me as my friends and I have judged, but I thought we were just friends. Now I feel like I shouldn’t do it. Please tell me what should I do. I am really confused and don’t know whether I should tell him that I feel the same or should I continue just being friends with him.

Confused

Dear Nadine,

I am 19 years old and I have been in a relationship with a guy ‘U’ for more than five years now. He studies in a well reputed institution. I am going through a lot of problems because he is very insecure, I study in a co-ed university and he doesn’t allow me to talk to any guy, and if I do he fights with me. I feel frustrated because of this attitude. I tried to talk to him about this issue, but he doesn’t listen to me. Please tell me what to do. My second problem is that I have a proposal from a very good family. That guy is in armed forces and his parents just love me. My parents are very much interested in this proposal but I asked them for four years and they agreed. The problem is that I know ‘U’ will not be settled in four years and I am sure my parents will get me engaged to the armed forces guy soon. I cannot live without ‘U’ and I have even asked him to send his proposal for me. U’s mother talked to my mother, but his father doesn’t know anything about it and according to him he cannot talk to his father unless he is well settled. What should I do? I can’t break-up with him as he says he would commit suicide! I cannot let him do that. Please help me.        

Hopeless Lover

Dear Hopeless Lover,

Your very signature - hopeless lover - says it all. You are not expecting anything out of this relationship because at the back of your mind you know it is not feasible. My dear, it is indeed a hopeless affair and the major two reasons are that he does not trust you, and he needs a long time to become settled. A man who is insecure and jealous tends to make his wife’s life miserable. Such people have been known to doubt their wives because they had prenuptial affairs, and it doesn’t matter to such men that their wives were involved only with them. They accuse them of betraying their parents’ trust, and believe that girls who betray their parents would not be true to their husbands either! So, even if you do manage to get married to him, he would probably make your life miserable. On the other hand, the other guy’s family adores you, which is a big plus. My advice would be not to get involved with a guy who wants to possess your soul. This attitude seems romantic to some immature girls who believe that the possessiveness and jealousy are caused by love, where love without trust is not viable. So don’t reject that other proposal out of hand and tell ‘U’ that if he is really serious, he must convince his father to at least speak to your parents. It is not your parents’ fault that ‘U’ doesn’t have the courage to speak to his father. In your situation, couples get engaged and get married after settling down. However, ‘U’ has not even told his father about you when he knows that your parents could accept that other proposal. Why should you bear all the pressure? You say you cannot live without ‘U’, but if he felt the same way about you he would have tried harder to do something about achieving his end. His mom speaking with your mom informally is not enough. Think about it!

Dear Confused,

How can you tell him that you feel the same when you don’t know for sure what he feels for you? Your friends and you just think that - and you may be right - but is there any other tangible proof? It is possible that he likes you just as a friend, and it is your feelings that have undergone a change. At present, you are too young to be involved in such a relationship, so give yourself some time. In the meantime, concentrate on your studies, and just chill with your friends. If he really likes you, he will not stop liking you just like that. Two years down the line if both of you discover you like each other, you could have a better and a more lasting relationship. So just continue being friends with him, and if he is really interested in you, as your friends seem to think, he will sooner or later disclose his feelings to you. Good luck!

Dear Nadine,

I am a married, 34-year-old female. I have a younger sister aged 32. Our mother is dead and all our brothers are married and busy with their own lives, so I really want my sister to get married. She is very weak physically, so she does not get good proposals. I found one good proposal for her but when she talked to him on the phone, the guy did not contact again. Now I have found another rishta for her but the problem is that my sister is very careless and immature and cannot live in a large joint family. The guy, who is 39, wants a compromising housewife as he has already divorced his first wife and that also on a minor issue which I think could have been resolved without breaking the knot. What should I do? Should I accept his proposal or should I refuse, keeping in view the totally different natures of that guy and my sister? The guy also seems to be very rigid and sensitive about his family.

JK

Dear JK,

I understand your anxiety about your sister, but do not take any decision in haste; it might backfire. You must talk to your sister and discuss the issue with her openly. Make her understand what would be required of her and ask her to think about the situation and then take her decision. She may be physically weak, but here the problem seems to be her immaturity as well. She is 32 years of age and must consider well whether she would be able to cope with the pressures you have mentioned or not. And, if that guy is so rigid, he may not have the patience to deal with an immature wife. Go for istikhara, and pray that you come to the right decision. Good luck!

Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

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