I wrote to you sometime ago regarding child sexual abuse. I think I am going crazy and it’s not just because of what happened in the past. I just don’t understand myself. I feel I don’t fit in anywhere. I am depressed most of the times, but people around me think I’m the happiest person on earth. My whole life is an act! Please tell me I’m not insane.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It seems you cannot get professional help, and that is why you feel so depressed. What you need is catharsis and since you cannot speak to anyone about your past experience, you are depressed. No need to fret, my dear. Start a diary and write down your feelings, fears, expectations and hopes daily. Keep the diary in a safe place. I really feel that by writing to Aangan you could have made quick progress, and you should try to do so if you can. The positive thing is that the others do not realise that you are so disturbed from inside, which means you are in control of yourself. Keep up a positive frame of mind, because you are a good, innocent person and it is the abuser who should feel guilty. Here is Aangan’s address. Contact them, my dear, it would help you get over your trauma. Good luck!

Aangan Rozan Building # 11

Street 15, G-7/2

Islamabad-44000, Pakistan

Tel: 92 51 2890505-6

 92 51 2890732                                                

Fax: 92 51 2890508

E-mail: aangan@rozan.org

stopCSA2011@gmail.com

Hi Nadine,

This problem has been haunting me for a long time. It has been a year and four months since my relationship with a guy, T, started. I am 16 and he is also the same age as me. We both reside in the same city but study in different colleges. First, we became good friends but I started to fall in love with him. I was sure that he felt the same way and I disclosed my feelings to him. Initially he said he did not believe in love and I was only a good friend of his. I was heart-broken. At the same time, he was way too free with many other girls and I did not like it a bit but never told him. Then came my lucky time when he invited me out on a date. I was enchanted! I went, dressed in a fancy outfit. He complimented me a lot and told me that I looked beautiful. I was very happy and we had a good time. After that incident, he started referring to me as his girlfriend. He introduced me to all his friends as his ‘girlfriend’. I asked him whether he loved me and he still said that he did not believe in love but he liked me a lot. I was really surprised because he was calling me his girlfriend but at the same time denied that he loved me. Then the twist came - a horrible twist. Some cheap teenagers from my class came to know that I was dating him and they contacted him. They told him that I was cheating on him and that I had other boyfriends as well. All this was utter nonsense for I only loved T. Then T told me that he and I were only friends. All this happened when I was busy in a family function and did not contact T for quite some time. He suspected that I had broken up with him. Let me tell you that I had given him both my mom and dad’s cell numbers. He called on my mom’s cell and said bad stuff about me and left me. I was broken-hearted. For two months, I remained alone and missed him. At the same time, I feared that he would tell my parents about our affair. Then, he called me and said that he wanted me back in his life. I was surprised and happy at the same time, so I forgave him. But then, he said he wanted to kiss me. I did not allow it as this is against moral values and because of this he started getting angry and said that I had no feelings for him. He even said that if a girl loved a guy, she would do whatever he told her to. I am extremely depressed because he daily asks me to meet him in some cafe and kiss him. I am afraid that if I don’t kiss him, he would call on my parents’ cell and blackmail me. I belong to a conservative family and I would be dead meat! Then, if I kiss him, it would be wrong according to our religion. Please help me out.

Depressed Lover

Dear Depressed Lover,

It is very clear that this guy does not love you or even care about you. He has been honest enough to tell you that he doesn’t love you, so obviously his interest in you is merely physical. You are a sensible girl because you know your limits. However, at the same time you need to know that coercion in any relationship is simply unacceptable. You think you love this guy, but at the moment you are only 16, my dear. At your age, lasting relationships are very hard to form. Generally, girls and guys are infatuated with each other, which is simply a part of growing up. This guy was your good friend and it is not surprising that you developed attraction for him. The very fact that you don’t want to succumb to his demands proves that you are a well brought up girl, and I think that you should tell your mother that this guy was your friend but has been bothering you, and seek her advice. Then, even if he calls up your parents, they would handle him. Just remain firm and don’t give in to him. He is not interested in forming a lasting relationship with you and the fact that he introduces you to his friends as his ‘girlfriend’ also proves that to him you are just a trophy, something to boast about to his friends. So don’t fret about what he could or would do, as you haven’t done anything wrong. Break up with him, amicably if possible, but tell him firmly that you cannot fulfil his unfair demands. Good luck!