I am a 23-year-old girl. I am totally helpless and there is no one else I can talk to about my problem. My mother complains to my father if I do anything wrong; and my father abuses me verbally and beats me. Some months back, my father and I disagreed on a small issue and my father started hitting me with army boots. When I started screaming, he put a cushion on my face and started pressing it. He ordered my 12-year-old brother to beat me, as he held me. My brother hit me with cushions and when I tried to run my father almost strangled me. I got bruises upon my face and other body parts and for almost a week, I spat blood. My mother did not try to stop my father at all. This is just one incident; many such beatings have been inflicted on me since I was very young. The worst thing is that they are suspicious of my character and think I am having an affair with some guy. This is not true. I am a student and don't think this is the right time to get involved with anyone. My mother often snatches my cell phone when I am talking to my friends to check whether it is a girl I am talking to or a guy. My parents have the contact numbers of my friends and my mother calls my class fellows and asks them about my activities in college. My friends, obviously, make fun of me. Please tell me what I should do. My parents don't need me, but I need them.

Helpless

Dear Helpless,

It is very tragic that your parents treat you the way they do. Inflicting physical punishment the way your father does is nothing unusual in our country. It seems that your mother incites him to violence, which is extremely surprising. The incident where your father tried to strangle you is so appalling that in a western country he would have been behind bars. However, in Pakistan things work differently and calling the police will create more problems for you. My dear, if you have grandparents you can trust, or any other close relatives, discuss the matter and have them intercede on your behalf. If that is not possible and your parents continue perpetrating violence on you, I suggest you contact an NGO. I can suggest 'Gosha-e-Afiat', which provides shelter for women who need it. Since you are an adult, you can make this decision without encountering legal problems. However, this is not something that you should do lightly. Once you leave home, your parents will probably never have anything to do with you. So, my dear, do it only if what you have written to me is the absolute truth. Sometimes, parents become angry and scold their children harshly. I just hope you have not magnified such events to the magnitude you have described. If you have been totally honest, you can use the contact details of the NGO mentioned above.

Address: A/62, Block Q, North Nazimabad, Karachi, Phone: 021-3663-9191

Timings: 11:00 AM to 5:00 PM

If you are not in Karachi, please email me again. Good luck!

Dear Prof,

I sometimes feel my life is useless. I have no one to love or care for. I feel like a misfit in the world. I probably have a split personality. I am the eldest of seven siblings. My father was very strict with us, especially with me. I was held responsible for all the deeds of my siblings. He gave more time to his job than us. Maybe it was the nature of his job, but I missed the upbringing from my father. I do not have any habit of my father. We all spent our time with our mother who is a humble lady. I was punished for small things. Father took out the pressure of his job on us. This has resulted in a lot of psychological problems for us like lack of confidence, inferiority complex, anxiety etc. I have told my father several times that he did not give proper care and mentoring to me. I have just seen his anger, which has damaged my personality. Now I am 29 years of age, have a good job, and I am married. Everything is fine in my life material wise. But I have no one I can rely on. Even my wife does not value me.

Please help me in dealing with relationships. I want to make solid relationships that last. My family thinks I am dull, but I want to speak out and want to have relations. I even lost my love because I could not speak up. I had no confidence in my personality, so she left me. Please tell me what my problem is, so I can solve it.

Depressed Soul

Dear Depressed Soul

Some children need more attention than others, and suffer when they are neglected, which is what has happened in your case, but before blaming your father you must consider a few things. You were seven siblings and that is a big family to provide for. Your father - like most fathers - probably had to work very hard to bring you all up. In such cases, the upbringing becomes the responsibility of the mother. You had a right to expect attention from your father, but ask him why he could not give it. As for you getting the blame for your siblings' mistakes, it was unfortunate, but that does not mean he did not love or value you. On the contrary, it implies that he trusted you as his eldest son to look after the younger ones. It was not really fair on his part, but perhaps he really did not have the time to do so himself. Now that you are well employed and married, you need to put all this behind you. If you want others to love and value you, you also should give them love and show them that you value them. Try to become more open with your siblings and your wife. Spend time with them and encourage them to talk with you. You will soon find that they all love and value you, but are probably a little scared of you as you keep them at arms' length. Bring a conscious change into your personality and life will become beautiful for you. Best of luck!