I am a 38-year-old, unmarried woman. I am a lecturer in a local college. I belong to a  middle class family. My problem is that I am one-eyed; otherwise, I am a beautiful and smart woman, but you know how this society is. I am socially unacceptable and can't land myself a good proposal. I really don't know what to do with my life. My parents are extremely worried about my future. I am not satisfied with my job, too. Good jobs are hard to come by these days. Besides I get extremely anxious when I have to appear for an interview just because I don't have enough confidence. I am competent but just one physical defect has completely ruined my life. Is it my fault that I was born with this defect? When people gaze at me as if I am an alien, or when they take pity on me for being a spinster I feel awful. I feel like banging my head against the wall but I try not to lose my composure. I never show my anxiety to my family. I have plastered a permanent face on my face because I don't want to upset my parents but I dissolve into tears when I am alone. I am a woman with no prospects. I just want to seek your advice as I am clueless.

Clueless and Hapless Lady

Dear Clueless and Hapless Lady,

Well, I think you are one hell of a brave lady. Not many people put such a brave face the way you do, and I admire the courage and fortitude with which you face people. My dear, people who donít have a physical flaw do not realise what it is to be born with one. Many a time, they donít really know how to act when they encounter someone with a problem. I simply mean that most people do not mean to hurt, but are not equipped to deal with someone who has a physical problem or disability. As far as you are concerned, I must say that you are a lot better off because you have loving and caring parents, you are educated and have a good personality over all. To land a better job, you need more confidence in your abilities. First of all, you need to stop treating yourself with pity, and this will definitely affect the way others look at you. Once they realise that you are confident of yourself and not conscious of having one eye, they will be able to treat you normally. You are just a normal, educated and good person and your physical setback has been countered because you did not let it get in the way of leading a normal life. As for not being able to land a good proposal, my dear, I know of many beautiful and rich girls who are still single. Besides, marriage, though important, is not the be all and end all in life. As a teacher, you are doing the work God ordained for prophets! You are impacting minds and lives of young people, so you have a useful life. Do you wear an artificial eye? There is a person I know who lost an eye in an accident and got an artificial one. No one treats her any different, so you should explore this option, too. Best of luck!

Dear Prof,

I am a 30-year-old guy and I have a very embarrassing problem. Since I became  financially sound, my mother has been pressuring me to get married. I donít have a problem with that, because I feel I am ready to settle down. My problem is the environment of my house. We all live in a joint family system. Two of my brothers are married and my sisters-in-law are very good. It is my mother who creates problems because she wants to control everyone and everything in the house. My brothers are businessmen. They go in the morning and come home late. They are not bothered about the way their wives are treated, because they believe in our motherís integrity and good nature. I have observed how my mother tortures them; even to buy their summer clothing, they need her permission. My mother goes with them and chooses their lawn prints. This is just one example of the way she treats my sisters-in-law. I have a different bent of mind. Although I love my mother, I donít think I want to subject my wife to such a life. At the same time, I donít want to hurt my mother also. What do you think I should do, because I do want to get married?

Unsure Aquarius

Dear Unsure Aquarius,

A strong man is the one who can maintain balance in relationships, and I feel that you have the strength of character to do so. All you need to do is to treat your wife with consideration in front of your mother, and take care of her needs yourself. Take her shopping with you, give importance to her and show everyone at home that you expect them to treat her with consideration. At the same time, make sure that you remain a loving and respectful son towards your mother. Mothers usually do these things because they feel insecure of their position once their sons marry. You need to reassure your mother that you would always love her and treat her with respect. Sounds simple? It is not. You will have to face some problems, fend off verbal barbs, but I know you will manage. Good luck!

Problems that need a solution?

You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at adinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Note: If you feel you need someone to talk to when you are alone, to share a problem with, or just to get something that has upset or disturbed you off your chest, share it with us. Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor)  I.I Chundrigar Road, Karachi.